Writing Assignment: Plan Your Own Funeral

by Randy Murray on April 22, 2011

Elvis has left the building.

While death can be a dark and unpleasant subject, morbid even, it can also be a way to put a period on the sentence of your life.  You can do it somberly or you can have fun with it, replacing the period with an exclamation point.

There are many scenarios that can be fun to consider. What would I do if I won the lottery? What would I say in my acceptance speech when receiving a major award? What kind of funeral would I like?

This is not a description of how you’d like to die, not your obituary (that’s a future Writing Assignment), but your ideal funeral. It can be any thing you want. And it should reveal part of your personality.

For today’s assignment, describe your wishes for your funeral.

This Writing Assignment suggested by my friend and FTTT senior editor, Penny.

Here’s my example:

Here are my instructions for funeral services upon my demise. I have discussed these with my family and made clear that they may choose from the four possible options.

  1. Full Star Fleet funeral.
  2. Viking Funeral
  3. Left Luggage: The Importance of Not Being Randy
  4. Taxidermy and permanent installation at Cinema Murray

For the first choice I’d like a fully authorized and official Star Trek funeral. You’ll need to acquire a Photon Torpedo Casket and an honor guard in full Star Fleet uniforms. A bagpipe player is also essential. I’d like it to be a closed casket service, but please dress me in uniform with the correct rankings for captain.

To economize you may simply rent the casket and uniforms, then have my body cremated. Official Star Trek urns are also available.

The Viking funeral has a certain appeal. This is much simpler to arrange, although there may be some difficulties with permits. For this service simply take my remains to the nearest body of water, place it in a boat, along with all of my earthly possessions, set it adrift and on fire. This is best done at dusk.

The least expensive option is to have my body cremated and the ashes placed in a sealed container within my trusty and apparently indestructible Tumi bag. Take it to the nearest airport and check it as luggage. I’m sure Oscar Wilde would approve. There should be no difficulty in the bag becoming lost forever and travel the world from airport to airport. The frequent flyer miles accumulated should be a pleasant bonus.

My preferred method may not be acceptable to the family, but I’ll state it here nonetheless. I’d like to have my body preserved in the most advanced form of taxidermy available, comfortably dressed, and installed in my home theater to reside there for eternity. Please place a non-functional remote in my hand. I don’t require eternal control of the system, but appearances count.

I’m sure that my family will have no problem selecting from these options.

Please leave your completed assignment in the comments below.

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The Writing Assignment: Plan Your Own Funeral by Randy Murray, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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